My lovely neighbour, N, invited me for a ladies’ lunch, theme Bollywood. We had to dress up as our favourite female star for the event.
For the next few weeks the prospect of the lunch buzzed like a mildly annoying bee around my head. Was never the main focus of attention, but a small part of my brain was dedicated to – WHAT ON EARTH WOULD I WEAR? My sense of style is pretty limited and I don’t own false eyelashes, nails, chests, bottoms or hair.
Friends weren’t helpful. Suggestions included – semi-clad Silk Smitha, 1.5 eyed evil mother-in-law: Lalitha Pawar, a laughably dressed Karishma Kapoor in a plastic raincoat and… Govinda (most promising suggestion – I do own white trousers and colourful shirts).
On D-day, these were my options:
- ’60s star – Saira Banu, Sharmila Tagore – Leggings and a ridiculous sleeveless fitted dress which accentuated my paunch and a hairband. And heavy eye liner. Errrr….no.
- ’70s star – Zeenie Baby , Parveen, Neetu Singh – Bell bottoms and polyester blouse, over-sized ‘goggles’. But essential accessory – long, lustrous hair missing. Fail.
- ’80s star – Sridevi, Madhuri Dixit, Juhi Chawla. Perms, bad make up, frills, plastic jewellery, jerky dance moves. Big Fail.
- ’90s stars – Karishma Kapoor, Raveena Tandon, Manisha Koirala, Kaajol – Teensy mini skirts, luscious lips, sultry dance moves. Epic Fail.
- ’00s – Kareena, Katrina, Priyanka Chopra – Size zero figures. Mine is XL. Terminal Fail
And so it was a kanjeevaram and ‘matching’ earrings. (My friend S, a beautiful Bengali girl, smartly chose Aparna Sen – understated, classy, a cigarette as an accessory)
Needless to say the lunch ladies presented a full complement of Bollywood body doubles. The delicate desirable duplicate divas dazzled with dances, dialogues, drama, diamonds and designer dresses. (Now, say that fast – much better than Betty Bopper’s bitter butter, hai na?)
There was Rekha as a dancing and whirling Umrao Jaan, Leena Chandarvarkar playing badminton, Mala Sinha, Asha Parekh, Zeenie, Karishma, Aiswarya, Katrina, Kareena and a few nameless extras (Yes, I was one of them. Plump Kollywood actress seeking wonly wone chance in the Bollywood)
N had organized a yummy desi lunch – chaat included – which I would have attacked with full gusto but for my malfunctioning saree’s pleats and the asphyxiating Blouse Nazi creation. (Click here for more on the Blouse Nazi)
But, hey! It wasn’t just all fun and food. This was an intellectual meeting of minds and beehive hairdos. Our Bollywood Quotient was tested with a quiz. My BQ disappointed – and this despite careful preparation over the years, reading Times Of India online. Shocking.
By the way, the quiz revealed a piece of very valuable information – this year on, December 21 will be a special day in my event calendar. It is, I learn, Govinda’s birthday.
Hey, I’m thinking…why not a Govinda themed lunch to celebrate? Good idea, nahi?
Oh! Post script – I found somebody who actually used Bumpits! (click here to read more about it and other heavenly goddess products). The lady in question had a beautiful ’60s style hairdo, complete with a flower and bumped up hair – she walked away with the best hairdo prize – thanks to the miracle that is – Bumpits! Yay!